Forward foregiveness has become an exercise in seeing and releasing the past in proper perspective. Part of letting go, (guilt, shame, sorrow, intense fear, post traumatic stress disorder) involved knowing when to release an experience, and allow the event that once held you, to pass, becoming ever part of the fabric of who you are, but allowing some new and beautiful patterns to emerge. This is not an exercise in rational debate, so much as a practice of radical love.
It had been 20 years since I have experienced the events of that night, and yet like a old sports injury, I found myself reviewing frame for frame, the night I survived a criminal hostage situation-- replaying the events with a critical eye for what I could do if such a horror ever happened again.
- Could I have jumped out of a moving van, recovered balance, and gotten away sooner?
- Could I have reasoned with my attacker more rationally and avoided the more brutal parts of the assault?
- Could I have used my fear more effectively to emit a different outcome?
The 'business sense' that follows surviving a violent crime is intense. Each image etched in my mind, reframed and presented in technical color for all it's graphic violence. Like a Sunday Football Player, I kept that footage locked away for when my game was strong enough to analyze my performance. In the "game" I had already forgiven my opponent-- he was stronger than I, faster than I, and much more unafraid of the consequence of his own actions.
I was attacked by an angry Vietnam Veteran, straight out of jail for attempted murder, in a crystal meth induced flashback. His training, his lifestyle, his very life experience was a study in repetitive fear-- in survival of the fittest- and in kill or be killed because it is all that threatening.
There is nothing 'logical' about the randomness of this event. It happened 20 years ago, and curious that over time, I feel obligated to examine to bring out the performance footage from the far far past to re-assess my 'disaster recovery performance'?
I had forgiven him. Being angry with someone with a propensity for violence in unresolved issues is a sure way to keep yourself stuck. Releasing it without examination is as well. How to acknowledge a horrific event head on and allow it to pass becomes the issue? How to forgive and release the event to the sands of time?
Observe, appreciate and move on. Radical and forward forgiveness is about being painstakingly bold in our analysis and observation. Not regretting the past, nor wishing to shut the door on it, appears to require radical forward forgiveness. It has been 20 years, and I have begun to know a new freedom in the spirit of forgiveness, a new peace from putting aside the remnants of a past trauma--- really putting it away with archival care means really acknowledging it's existence, appreciating it's lessons, but most importantly, allowing it to be part of the fabric of my being.
From this event, I have learned and grown. I have indeed moved on from the trauma that overcame me. At the time, it seemed that living through this event was the worst thing that could have happened. Having done that I have found a new freedom and strength of being making me less susceptible to self criticism. Forgiveness means knowing and seeing the truth for what it is, and allowing it to be part of you-- for good, bad, or ugly-- the best and worst, the darkest and light-- at your essence is still creative you. So what, if the universe has more confidence in you, than you have in yourself, you will find the capacity overtime to mirror that strength and beauty.
My manifest:
- I trust that all is happening for a reason, and in the ugliest of life experiences, can live beauty.
- I trust that we have a purpose, and all is well because it is happening on purpose.
- I realize that we have more control than we give ourselves credit for, and sometimes we try to overexert ourseles in a vain attempt to demonstrate false control.
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